If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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