never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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