More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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