am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
