I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
