masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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