When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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