I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
