I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
