I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
