I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
