i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
