i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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