I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
