i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
