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Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
