I think I died a long time ago.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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