So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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