rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
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I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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