you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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