Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
