told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize