i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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