She is in my trunk
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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