Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
