She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
