question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
