Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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