My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
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No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
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I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
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