I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
