i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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