If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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