Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
