We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
