Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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