it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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