You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
