if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
