This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
