What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You ate ashes out of my bong
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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