Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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