I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
too bad you live with your parents still
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
