New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
