someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
