mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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