dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
