I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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