New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
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He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
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I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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