I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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