Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
i think im in europe. pls send help
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
