You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
