New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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