im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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