Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
