Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
my penis made a compromise with my morals
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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