a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Randomize
